It’s Mother’s Day and I’m Sorry

img327I don’t have a mom anymore. Well I do, but she’s been in heaven for most of my life. That makes Mother’s Day a little difficult. Actually, it makes life difficult. Ask anyone without a momma and they’ll tell you it’s true. Or maybe go a day, a week, or a month without talking to, calling, texting, or seeing your mom. I take that back. Don’t ever do that. I’d feel terrible if you did that. In fact, you can stop reading right now and go hang out with your mom or call her up just to chat because this letter is not for you.

This letter is for the motherless. I wrote it to myself actually, but if you’re motherless I invite you to read on. I know it can be lonely being a motherless mom. I want you to know that you’re not alone. I want you to know that I know some of what YOU know and feel some of what YOU feel. I’m cracking open my heart here because I’m sorry for our loss. I’m writing to me, but please know I’m writing to you too. My situation is not yours. My experience is not yours. My words are not yours. But my heart? I think it might ache a little bit like yours.

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Dear Motherless Mom,

Today is hard. I’m sorry that you’re heart aches a little or maybe a whole lot. I’m sorry that today you are thinking about what could have been and what should have been. I’m sorry that today you’ll see other moms celebrating with their mothers and their children celebrating with their grandmothers. I’m sorry you can only imagine how wonderful that must be. I’m sorry that most of the time it seems like everyone has a momma and everyone assumes that you have one too. But you don’t. And it hurts. I’m sorry you feel like it’s not fair. It isn’t.  

I’m sorry that you still want your mom and need your mom and miss your mom. I’m sorry she’s not there to support you and encourage you and hold your hand on your hard days. I’m sorry she’s not there to share laughter and joy and hugs on your happy days. I’m sorry she cannot call and see how you’re doing and ask to talk to the kids for awhile. I’m sorry there no skyping to heaven because I know how you would do anything just to hear her voice and see her smiling at you again. I’m sorry that you sometimes wonder if anyone is praying for you and your family like your mother would. I’m sorry that it  sometimes it feels like no one really cares about your lives like your mother would. I’m sorry it can make you very sad and lonely some days. I’m sorry there isn’t an adoption agency that specializes in adoptions of moms for orphaned adults. I’m sorry that even if there where such a thing, you know it wouldn’t be the same. Your mother is irreplaceable. No one and nothing can ever take her place. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

You have every right and reason to cry today. It’s okay. Go ahead and cry. You miss your mom. You always will. That means you loved her and she loved you. Without her, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. You wouldn’t be the mom that you are, the wife that you are, the sister that you are, the friend that you are. You had an amazing person for a mother. In the years that you had with her, she gave you enough love to last the rest of your lifetime without her. How? She pointed you to God. Not everybody can say that about their mom and not everybody could do what you’ve had to do. It’s hard, so hard, but God has helped you, as He promised He would. Your mom was right. God is always there for you and you’re always going to need Him.

I’m sorry you cannot turn to your mom for help anymore, but she was right. God helps you. I’m sorry you cannot go to your mom for wisdom and advice anymore, but she was right. God guides you. I’m sorry you cannot go to your mom for comfort anymore, but she was right. God comforts you. I’m sorry you cannot go to your mom to be loved unconditionally anymore, but she was right. God loves you. I’m sorry you cannot turn to your mom for anything you need, but she was right. God provides for you.

Yes, it’s still really hard without your momma, but you are not alone. You have help. God’s taking good care of your mom, and He’s taking good care of you. So today, when you are done with your well-deserved crying, dig down deep and find your joy. Find something to be grateful for. Be mindful of your blessings. Believe it or not, even a hole in your heart can be a blessing if you let it. 

“What a wonderful God we have-he is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does he do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we undergo sufferings for Christ, the more he will shower us with his comfort and encouragement.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 The Living Bible

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Comments

  1. Jenny Pennings says:

    Kristi,
    Thanks for posting this. I miss my mom everyday! She brought so much joy to all of us. This is my 1st mothers day with Aubrey and I wish my mother was here with me as well. Thanks again for writing this♡

  2. Thank you for sharing this Kristi. Love you!

  3. Just beautiful….thank you.

  4. Sarah Hughes says:

    Oh Kristi, first thank you for sharing your heart…it means so much. I have not lost my mom, but when I think about the day when she’s gone, I can’t imagine how dark and empty the world will become. You touched on this when you said something about no one caring about your life like your mom. That’s how I feel. After she’s gone, who will really love me? I am already aware of the guilt and regret I will feel no matter how well I loved her. My dad died suddenly in an accident almost 13 years ago and there’s a letter to be written there too. Thanks again. Hugs. Sarah

  5. Tracy Schneider says:

    Kristi I am sobbing as I write this, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Every word of that is so true . You are right in so many ways, no one truly understands how hard it is to lose their mom until it happens to them. We went thru a lot to become parents and we were so blessed to adoptive Ayla which came to us as a gift from my mom. I was 10 weeks pregnant with our last embryos when my mom passed away unexpectedly and sadly I miscarried 2 weeks later. We were done with treatments at this point to give my body a rest and just accept the fact we would never become parents. My grandparents decided to help us in our dream to become parents and paid for our entire adoption with my moms inheritance that she would have some day got if she outlived them. My mom wanted to be a grandmother more than anything and being an only child it saddens me everyday that she never got to meet “Ayla Cher” but it also makes my heart smile to know that my mom was the reason we were blessed with a daughter that will always know that her Grandma Cheri in Heaven made our dreams come true! And that’s how I get thru Mother’s Day and all the other hard days that are a daily struggle for me sometimes. Happy Mothers Day to you Kristi. Hugs to you.

    • Tracy, thank you so much for sharing a little of your story with me here. It’s heartbreakingly beautiful. Now every time I see Ayla Cher I will be reminded of how God can make something beautiful out of our hurts and sorrows. Thank you for that precious gift. So glad you shared it! Hugs to you too!

  6. Thank you. I understand.

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